Friendships; Progression & Regression

“Best friends are people you don’t need to talk to every single day.  You don’t need to talk to each other for weeks, But when you do, it’s as if you didn’t even stop talking.” –

I’m constantly running into this saying, or something like it, online and it got me thinking.  While I do believe this is true in some aspects and for some individuals, I don’t know if I necessarily believe that this is relevant for me. 

Now in my late twenties, I can say with confidence that I’ve been blessed with great friends and family.  You quickly realize out of high school and in your early twenties, which friends are worth keeping and which you should, not necessarily kick to the curb, but definitely re-evaluate and distant yourself from.  In any event, I evaluated early on and have been fortunate enough to have a great circle of friends for a long time, which is perhaps exactly why I’m moved to write this excerpt on friends, expectations and growing into adulthood. 

A couple of different things/scenarios sparked my interest lately.   Allow me to begin with expectations.  Friendships, like any relationships, have certain expectations that should be met by both parties.  I’ve been known to have particularly high expectations of my few (2-3) best buds.  If you’re so, unbelievably close to a couple of friends who know your deepest, darkest secrets, have been with you through thick and thin and vice versa, I hold you, my friend, to higher standards and expectations than other, important, yet inconsequential friends, period.  Take it for what it is, it’s my truth and when you begin to let me down countless times, I’ll always give you the benefit of the doubt, you will get second, third, and a fourth chance, however don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.  I can see right through bullshit and countless inexcusable excuses.  Your BFF status with me is something we’re both very fortunate to have and like all relationships, these require work.  Work doesn't have to be as daunting as it sounds.  I’m not necessarily requesting your physical presence 1-2 times a week, not even necessarily once every two weeks, however – communication is some way, shape or form is exceptionally important.   If I’m thinking of you enough to shoot over a text, call, or send you a card in the mail, I’d hope you’d reciprocate that same gesture from time to time. 

Transitioning from close/best friends to merely, good friends, I’m perplexed by my countless effort to keep these relationships continuing when the effort is not reciprocated.  While my expectations of these good friends aren’t as high as my close friends, I don’t understand, at times, why I continue to reach out to certain individuals, when once again, it’s not reciprocated.  If I reach out to one of these good friends and never hear a response, or invite them to multiple events with no responses such as “yes, I’d love to come,” or “sorry can’t make it,” my last ditched efforts to maintain a close friendship with you, are quickly falling to a mere friendly acquaintance.  I can’t count on two hands how many times I’ve reached out to people I was once VERY close with and they’ve distanced themselves so much, that they don’t even acknowledge my effort, extremely disappointing and quite frankly, just plain rude.    However, if you are one of my close friends who at least has the decency to simply acknowledge my effort, I thank you for your common courtesy, however, you too are on the chopping block- for this two way street turns into a one way road far too often.  If I’m the one to always make arrangements for dinner, initiate texts, phone calls, etc… you’re beginning to help me realize that you’re too busy for my good friendship in your life.  I can understand and appreciate growing older, starting families, careers and meeting new friends, however I never wanted to leave you behind and I feel as if I was more disposable than you led me to believe. 

Whether you’re a close friend, good friend or a mere friendly acquaintance, allow me to add that your false assumptions do not constitute an excuse for not reaching out.   Are we 100% relatable, no.  Do I have children, no.  Do I like to go out, yes.  Do I work, yes.  Do I have several obligations, yes.  Do I have a lot on my plate, most times, yes.  HOWEVER, when given the option to take a call, reply to a text or attend an event that I was invited to, or simply given the opportunity to meet up for coffee, I think my willingness speaks loudly.  I always acknowledge efforts made by others, and while I’m not always able to answer a call, make it to an event or text back in seconds, you best believe I’ll reach back out to you in some way shape or form, after all, this my friends is not just the actions of a best/good friend, it’s in the simplest form, common courtesy.

Call this a rant if you will, I’m calling it an epiphany of a sort.  Looking at this in depth, I am saddened a little, however more so, I’m simply trying to make sense of how relationships can progress and regress so frequently and unapologetically.  I’m beginning to understand that focusing so much of time and attention to people that don’t reciprocate that attention, is not necessarily a waste of time, but rather unnecessary.  It is what it is.  I’m going to use this time to realize that I need to focus more time and attention on my family, my passions, my fiancé, new friends and those few old friends that still care enough maintain a friendship.   I’m beginning to realize that moving forward with new friends is at times the only option.  As a former Girl Scout, I can appreciate the “make new friends, keep the old,” however I’m only keeping you as close as your time, schedule, drive and want can accommodate.    The “I’m really busy” excuse, while not necessarily untrue in totality, it’s over abused and unnecessary.  If you’re as close to someone as you think you are, you make time for that person.  Allow me to reiterate, not necessarily physical time, but any sort of communication may be sufficient, dependent on circumstance.  Nonetheless, thank you for taking the time to read and I hope the solid relationships you do possess in your life continue to flourish.  I’ll leave you with a quote on friendship that is seemingly more apparent to me in my adulthood.

“A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often – just to save it from drying out completely.”